Thursday, December 11, 2008

Do you ever feel...


I do. All the time. I can't shake this feeling of screwing up all the time. It is like this paranoia I have. Am I messing up? Did I do this right? Can I do it better next time? Am I doing things "green" enough. Am I to hard on the kids? Am I hard enough on the kids? What can I do to make this faster?

That is just in the first 2 hours of my day usually. I worry like really really really worry. About everything all the time. I almost feel anxious. I wonder if I should see a doctor about it?

See there I go again. I can't shake it though. My favorite verse in the bible is in Matthew I believe 6:36 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow for each day has enough sorrow/trouble of it's own". I CAN"T NOT WORRY. I pray about it all the time. I wish I was better at laying stuff down and letting things go. I need to be better I need to surrender the bad and good thoughts the hopes and the wants, the failures and the hurts at His feet. I know I do. I just fail. All the time at it. Every time.

I know God is bigger than me and my worries and my problems. Why can't I trust him to take care of it. Why can't I let it go? Why can't I say... okay God here you go I am giving this to you 100% letting it go and trusting you with what is going to happen.

My children. I feel like THE. WORST. MOM. ALL. THE. TIME. I can't pray for patience anymore and I won't because I fail that test every. single. time. I pray for kind words and a soft leading hand. I don't feel like I am accomplishing it. I feel so inadequate.

My grandmother always says to me "Quit borrowing trouble". Man sometimes I feel like I am borrowing, begging, pleading and stealing it.

Kinda heavy today sorry. Feeling that way today.

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