Quitters Remorse?

So I put in my notice at work... No don't say huh or dig the ear wax out of your ears. You heard me right. I quit my job. Last official day? January 15th. In a world of soooo many unknowns and not even being sure if Josh's check will stretch to pay what few bills we have I quit my job to stay at home. I mean really who quits there job in a recession?

I think I am nuts.

*Shay B*

Yeah that whole work thing...

So I know I said I would get more detailed on this working thing. My thought process is so exhaustive though (even for me) I had a hard time writing it in a way that explained things...so if this doesn't make sense I am sorry.

Disclaimer: I am not claiming we live better than others in this post. I am not saying my children are being mistreated in anyway by having a mom that works. I am not saying stay at home moms have it easier than moms that work outside of the home. So if I say something that offends in any way please know it wasn't meant to do that in any way shape or form this is just a momma of babies voicing her concerns, worries, struggles and opinions. Since this is a personal blog you are probably a friend reading this and know that I love all of you and would never want to hurt any of you.

I was born in the wrong decade. Really I was. Maybe the wrong century. I want to be at home. I loved being at home with my children. I miss it sooooooooo much. I see other moms staying at home and it hurts to know that I am unable to do that right now.

I have been a work outside of the home full-time and part-time mom, a work at home mom and a stay at home mom. So when I say I have been there. I mean it. I have done all of them. None is easier than the other. No choice is easier to make than the other. All of them usually leave us feeling some kind of guilt. As a matter of fact I think being a mom and guilt go hand in hand.

Knowing I have to work right now does not make dropping the kids off any easier. Knowing that my job is helping pay for NECESSITIES (please do not think my job is play money or paying for a Disney vacation or that tropical time share) does not make it easier to pull away morning after morning and know what I am missing. Because I do know what I am missing. That is what hurts.

Most stay at home moms make sacrifices to stay at home. Lots of them. Hard ones. (Disclaimer none of my friends have husbands making six figures and all of them sacrifice to stay at home in some way shape or form. I am aware some families do not have to sacrifice to stay at home and that is great and I am in no way saying it makes there job at home any less important). However if I were to choose to stay at home right now... the sacrifices we could be making would be things like clothes, shoes and possibly electricity. So I have to work. For those that know our family. You know we do not live above our means or spend extravagantly. So working is a must for the moment.

Things may be changing in that area SOON. But for now I must work outside of the home. It is hard. I am having a hard time dealing with it and I am struggling with big struggles on the inside because of it. I know it is a must and a necessity blah blah blah but I know it hurts and I worry.

So for all of us moms feeling the guilt. Lets make it easier on each other and not judge or point fingers or say how easy or how hard we all have it. It is a personal struggle and we just need to support and love each other in the situations we face. If we face them together then it makes it bearable and fun and well... life.

Again this is just the ramblings of a mom. Hope I made sense if not... hey I warned ya'll.

*Shay B*

Do you Sweat It?

I read an interesting post on Ragamuffin Soul today. I don't catch that blog all the time but when I do I usually enjoy what Carlos is writing about.

It also got me thinking what makes me sweat? So here goes...

I sweat it everytime I have to go to work.
I sweat it everytime I don't work.
I sweat it when my house isn't clean.
I sweat it when I can't get ahold of Josh.
I sweat it when Hudson has a bad day.
I sweat it when I think someone has an issue with me.
I sweat it when Leanna rolls her eyes.
I sweat it when I go to bed and everything isn't done.
I sweat it when my kids eat mac and cheese for dinner.
I sweat it when instead of playing we watch a movie cause I am to tired.
I sweat it when it rains.
I sweat it trying to figure out where God wants me to be.
I sweat it trying to figure out what God wants me to do.
I sweat it worrying about the life I am carrying.
I sweat it worrying about am I a good and Godly mom.
I sweat it.....

Apparently I sweat it alot. Do you?
*Shay*

Do you ever feel...

Inadequate?

I do. All the time. I can't shake this feeling of screwing up all the time. It is like this paranoia I have. Am I messing up? Did I do this right? Can I do it better next time? Am I doing things "green" enough. Am I to hard on the kids? Am I hard enough on the kids? What can I do to make this faster?

That is just in the first 2 hours of my day usually. I worry like really really really worry. About everything all the time. I almost feel anxious. I wonder if I should see a doctor about it?

See there I go again. I can't shake it though. My favorite verse in the bible is in Matthew I believe 6:36 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow for each day has enough sorrow/trouble of it's own". I CAN"T NOT WORRY. I pray about it all the time. I wish I was better at laying stuff down and letting things go. I need to be better I need to surrender the bad and good thoughts the hopes and the wants, the failures and the hurts at His feet. I know I do. I just fail. All the time at it. Every time.

I know God is bigger than me and my worries and my problems. Why can't I trust him to take care of it. Why can't I let it go? Why can't I say... okay God here you go I am giving this to you 100% letting it go and trusting you with what is going to happen.

My children. I feel like THE. WORST. MOM. ALL. THE. TIME. I can't pray for patience anymore and I won't because I fail that test every. single. time. I pray for kind words and a soft leading hand. I don't feel like I am accomplishing it. I feel so inadequate.

My grandmother always says to me "Quit borrowing trouble". Man sometimes I feel like I am borrowing, begging, pleading and stealing it.

Kinda heavy today sorry. Feeling that way today.